In
open adoption in California birth parents and adopting parents have an
opportunity to create a future contact agreement that will define the type of
contact that the birth parents will have with their child and the adopting
parents, after the child has been placed for adoption. These formal post
adoption agreements, sometimes called Kinship
Agreements, are formalized in writing and filed when the adoption is
finalized. Some
birth parents and adoptive parents create formal written contact agreement
worked out before the birth or soon after the baby is born and placed. Other
families decide to have an informal (verbal) agreement instead, deciding to
work out contact organically over time as the relationship unfolds. For
some birth and adoptive families, navigating the contact agreement can be
straightforward and smooth. In other open adoptions the discussions about
ongoing contact can be more complicated and emotional for all. Both birth
parents and adoptive parents want to be generous with their commitment and yet
want clear boundaries in order to make promises that they know they can keep in
the months and years to come. In my
practice I work with birth and adoptive parents where communication has broken
down, and there needs to be a discussion about what both families are thinking
about for future contact. Sometimes these discussions happen years after the
adoption placement. What
happens when the relationship between birth and adoptive families becomes conflictual? Over time, the future contact agreements (whether
formalized or verbal) may fail to continue to meet the needs of the birth
parents, adopting parents, or the child. Often, a breakdown in communication or
a difference in the interpretations of the agreement can play a role in the
relationships becoming conflicted. Challenging relationships between birth and
adoptive families may create stress for all those involved, resulting in both
sides feeling frustrated or undervalued. The conflict may trigger grief, loss,
or trauma for the birth parents— who may already be experiencing feelings of
isolation, depression, or shame. The adopting parents may feel worried, anxious
and uncertain, concerned that their role as parents could be threatened. How do you define open adoption
“mediation”? Open adoption mediation is when the birth and
adopting parents come together in a supportive environment to address their
concerns regarding their existing contact agreement or to create a new
agreement with the help and support of a neutral facilitator. The goal of the
mediation is for those involved to be able to openly and honestly address their
concerns and to create realistic solutions that meet both of their needs. In your experience what type of
open adoption situations have benefited from mediation? Many
different types benefit from mediation! My clients choose to see me for
mediation when they find that the written agreement (which may or may not have
been filed in court) is no longer being followed. If the agreement had been
filed in court, successful mediation can eliminate the need to involve the
court. Mediation provides an opportunity to review the initial agreement and
make appropriate and mutually agreed upon changes. Is there anything that you find
helps make for a successful mediation? I find
that the most important element to a successful mediation is the ability of the
families to keep in the forefront of their minds the reason why they are coming
together, to support contact that is in the best interest of their child.
Reminding the participants of all the love and commitment that went into the
child’s adoption placement is an important and motivating element that will
need to be fostered. The ability for
each family to hold even a small amount of empathy for the experience that the
other person is facing helps open the door for communication. How would you suggest families
prepare for mediation? I
recommend to those involved in mediation to approach the meeting with an open
heart and open mind. I encourage them to try to remember that the ultimate goal
of the meeting is to create a positive visiting environment for the child,
where a relationship can grow so that the child will feel loved and supported
by both his adoptive parents and his birth parents. It is also helpful for
families to review positive experiences with each other; the strengths of the
other party, their past relationship, and their hopes for the future. I find
that it is normal for open adoption arrangements to change over time and I try
to emphasize with my clients that mediation can be a very positive experience
leading to more open communication and a happy resolution. |
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CategoriesCommunity EventsEducational topics-community Open Adoption Mediation Workshops |
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